HENDO — We have decided to come out of the election sabbatical a little early. We also would like to apologize t0 the early voters but we just learned this information. What began as an unconfirmed polling booth rumor has officially erupted into the county’s most competitive civic secret: an elusive, underground “I Farted” sticker is reportedly being awarded only to voters whose intestinal fortitude echoes loud enough for precinct workers to take formal auditory notice.
The covert practice was blown wide open by a local voter who spoke on the condition of strict anonymity, fearing retaliation from municipal personnel should authorities learn who exposed the precinct’s secret tradition.
“I can’t let them find out it was me,” the anonymous source whispered from inside a running pickup truck two blocks from the precinct gym. “If they know who leaked this, they’ll pull my voting booth curtain right open next November. But people deserve to know the truth.”
According to the source, the revelation came after an unexpected biological reflex struck in the middle of ballot processing.
“I didn’t plan it,” the source recalled. “I leaned over the shelf to bubble in the constitutional amendment, and the archery center acoustics did the rest. It echoed off the targets like a small-caliber starter pistol. The entire line stopped dead.”
Rather than receiving a civic reprimand, the source was met with silent, solemn recognition upon stepping out of the stall.
“The chief precinct officer looked right at me over reading glasses,” the whistleblower claimed. “Without saying a word, the officer reached into a locked metal tackle box under the sign-in counter, peeled a badge off a hidden roll, and pressed it directly onto my lapel. Then the officer leaned forward and whispered, ‘That’s a Hendo decibel pass. Carry it with honor.'”
Unlike the standard-issue, complimentary “I Voted” badges handed out to every passerby from open rolls on the welcome table, the underground stickers features the exact same patriotic stars and glossy finish, swapped out with bold typography honoring gastrointestinal bravado.
According to insiders, the unwritten rubric requires clear, indisputable volume. Half-hearted rumbles, floorboard creaks, or coughing fits meant to mask an attempt are disqualified on the spot. Only clean, partition-shaking resonance clears the bar.
When pressed for comment regarding the existence of the secret sticker or the auditory protocol, senior election officials maintained a stone-faced posture. “The board can neither confirm nor deny the existence, distribution, or inventory of non-standard, flatulence-related polling materials,” an election official stated during a brief hallway exchange. “All official operations comply with state guidelines. We have no further comment regarding acoustic monitoring inside the booths.”
With zero official records indicating whether this is an ancient Hendo tradition or a brand-new civic test, this publication felt it was vital to immediately shatter our usual election silence. For those hoping to claim the badge before the polls close, standard election preparation simply won’t cut it. Forget light snacks and sensible hydration; securing this level of civic recognition requires serious gastrointestinal strategy. Aspiring contenders should be actively carb-loading: ordering double bowls of slow-simmered navy bean soup at local diners, chugging extra-large sodas for maximum carbonation, and taking down hefty servings of three-bean chili loaded with raw onions before stepping into line. A side of raw broccoli or a quick dash of seltzer water wouldn’t hurt, either. To ensure maximum partition-rattling volume once inside the booth, prospective badge-winners should also consider dropping into a few deep squats against the exterior brick walls to prime the system and build internal pressure before greeting the precinct workers.
“Any citizen can fill in an oval with a number two pencil,” the source noted. “It takes real democratic courage to hit the high notes.“
This site is a satire. Please do not report us to the election board !
