HENDO — In a press conference that felt more like the unveiling of a new dystopian gadget than a municipal update, Hendo city officials announced a sweeping overhaul of the official trash can policy. The changes are strict, dramatic, and — in true Hendo fashion — slightly unhinged.
The city says the new rules are designed to “restore dignity, order, and emotional neutrality” to the waste‑management system. Residents say the city has simply declared war on fun.
Here are the newly announced rules:
1. No Modifications of Any Kind
Trash cans must remain exactly as issued. No paint. No stickers. No decals. No accessories. Officials stressed this point three separate times.
2. Wheels Must Remain Factory‑Standard
Violations include chrome wheels, spinners, lift kits, lowrider conversions, and anything that makes the trash can “roll with confidence.”
3. No Electronics or Lighting
LED underglow, Bluetooth speakers, motion sensors, GPS trackers, and “smart trash can upgrades” are banned. One official added, “Trash cans should not be self‑aware.”
4. No Comfort Features
Cupholders, armrests, padded lids, phone mounts, and trash‑can hammocks are strictly prohibited.
5. No Emotional Expression
Inspirational quotes, googly eyes, angry eyebrows, seasonal decorations, or anything that suggests the trash can has feelings are not allowed.
6. Proper Placement Required
Trash cans must face forward, sit upright, and remain at ground level. Dramatic posing is forbidden.
If a trash can violates ANY rule:
- It will be booted immediately and a violation notice will be applied to the can.
- It will be left at the curb as a public example
- Sanitation workers will refuse pickup
- The trash can will be photographed for the city’s “Trash Can Offenders” webpage
To get the boot removed citizens will need to go to the city building and pay a $20 boot fee, $25 inspection fee and city employee will be out to inspect the trash can and remove the boot .
In the event that the boot is over non official wheels and can not be returned to usable service a additional $50 trash can replacement fee will be charged and a city official will be out as soon as possible to replace the offending trash can with one that will be smaller and a ugly puke green color.
After 4 weeks of a trash can not being corrected the city will automatically remove the offending trash can and the boot and inpection fee will be automatically added to your city utility bill. If trash builds up it will be refered to the codes department for a clutter violation.
Multiple violations over a period of a year may also reguire community service and mandatory trash can etiguette classes.
Appeal Process: There is none. Trash cans do not have rights.
This site is satire – if it were more fake, it would be printed on monopoly money.